Journal 9 – My cousin killed himself three weeks ago and I have attended the funeral as my father could not (because my Dad is older than my cousin and therefore could not go according to Chinese tradition). As I was not familiar with the funeral procedure, I went with my aunt.
I was quite nervous the day before the funeral, so I did not have enough sleep and felt very tired that day. When I arrived, my aunt asked me if I could look at my cousin (actually she forced me to look at him and what I was looking at was a body only). I was very scared and could not fall asleep during the following days.
I have thought about the reasons for my cousin to kill himself. I admit that he is not a great person. He was rude to me, cheated money from my father, and was addicted to soft drugs. My mother even looked down on him. Yet he was getting better recently (I think it was because of his girlfriend). Though his life was a mess, from my point of view, he could have lived better if he had changed his attitudes toward life, and most importantly of all, quit the habit of taking drug. But anyway, bygones are bygones. Everything has changed; no one can bring anything back
Journal 10 – A friend of mine killed himself last week (again!!!). He and I were in the same primary and secondary schools. He was a terribly smart person. He took part in many extra-curricular activities and still managed to get very good public exam results. After the A-Level Exam he got a place in Hong Kong University, Though I did not know which subject he was studying in, I remembered that he wanted to be a scholar.
Although I did not contact him frequently (actually our most recent conversation was because of a school gathering three years ago) I was quite sad when I heard about his news. I wondered why he killed himself. Unlike my cousin (I have talked about him in the previous journal), the life of my friend was full of opportunities, and should have been very bright and contented.
Right now I am thinking of the meaning of life. My cousin and my friend were two extreme cases, one was a mess and the other was prosperous. Yet they both chose the same way: killing themselves. Why? I really cannot figure it out.
~Hui (Hong Kong)