The Weather by Joyce Chau

cloud9/10/1992 Cloudy, rainy, windy

It’s been a long time since I touched my diary. Maybe, maybe I’m escaping from something. I have to admit that it’s not ‘maybe’; it’s so cruel that it’s the truth. When I pick up the pen, open the diary, the further I turn, the heavier the pen is. It’s so heavy that I can’t hold it anymore. I have to drop it. I can’t stand the heavy feeling anymore.

 

sea13/10/1992 Still raining and raining

I wouldn’t say the world is grey; that’s true only if you’re blind. But it has lost a lot of colours since he’s been gone, the colours in my world.

I can’t remember how many days there have been like this. The whole classroom is a calm sea, no laughter, no disturbance in the lesson, everyone seems to pay their full attention to class-work. They’re so normal. They’re doing just what students should do. At the same time, it is abnormal; it is unusual, just like the day I knew that…that…I knew that I would have to face it, someday, somehow, but NOT today. Definitely NOT today!

 

sea214/10/1992 Sunny but still some cloud

I don’t know why. It’s very strange that it’s already a season of clear skies and nice weather but it’s still a bit cold and there are still so many clouds. I really don’t know why! Does the god of weather know?

15/10/1992 Sunshine, there must be some

Still in the mood of mourning. I should recover from it. It’s just the death of a friend. It’s just the death of a good friend, a friend very dear to me, a friend that I found I missed a lot! I miss you. Do you know that? I know you will; you must realise that somewhere in heaven. I know, sure that you must be in heaven. Death is not a good word, it is so emotionless, so cruel and so factual. Fact is cruel. I do often tell myself that you’re just going to a better place, you’ll be happy in that place cause your illness will not be a problem again.

But you looked so healthy before you had that damn operation! Why? Was it really going to help you become healthier so you could live as a normal teenager – able to play ball games and have PE lessons? Does it really matter? I don’t know and I don’t understand!

All I know is that is now you’ve left me, left me here to know that I’ve lost something that I can never get back!!! Nothing to replace it, there will be a hollow, a wound in my heart forever and ever.

I hate you! You knew that the operation only had a 50% chance of success, so why were you still willing to take it? I hate you. Why did you tell only me that you were in hospital at the beginning and then tell me to keep this secret for you? You make me feel that I’m so important, you set yourself in a non-removable place in my heart. You lifted me up too high.

So what do you expect me to do without your support. I fell very hard, very painfully—I’m still licking my wounds though they’re still bleeding and I believe they will bleed longer.

Not daring to remind myself, to recall, to remember. Unable to forget.

 

cloud2

16/10/1992 Finally sunshine still a little bit cold/

Human brains are strange; in between
those curls, a lot of memories are hidden.
A lot of unwanted memories.

Sadness, sorrows leave immense marks
while happiness becomes one blur.
When you test yourself whether you’ve
forgotten someone and something, the
next hundredths of a second you know
the answer.

Heart hung quickly, nose squeezed hard, throat choking, stomach searching, all the organs in the wrong place. You told yourself that you have to stop it. How? Stop the thoughts. They spread like disease. Uncontrollable. Haven’t you ever heard that—’Imagination Flies'” So, let them be. You’ll get used to it.

No pill can pull up the root of flu. Only the immune system can, only the trained immune system can. I’m not asking you to attack it or destroy it, and actually you can’t. It is no use to do such a stupid thing. I just told you to learn how to face it when it comes.

~Joyce Chau (Hong Kong)

thumbsThe photos are by longzijun. The photos at left show the West Lamma Channel east of Hong Kong Island. The picture at the top left was taken near Mount Davis. The photo at the bottom left was taken from Mount Kellet. In the background, you can see the sun setting over Lantau Island. The two photos at right were taken at Tate’s Cairn (Tai Lo Shan), part of the mountain range lying north of the Kowloon Peninsula.

 

Return to Requiem: Poems and Stories about Death and Remembrance by Young Asian Writers

 

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